Honestly, I feel a strong desire to be flattened by an anvil that dropped from the sky. Or, if possible, I would roundhouse kick myself. Being self-deprecating and funny doesn’t come hand in hand (okay, maybe it does), you see, but the purpose of all this is to provide humor to the situation. I’ve been down for the past couple of days and I am just in the process of regaining my strength.
In spite of my best efforts,---my determination to do good--- I was blindsided and foolish to do—well—the exact opposite. I forgot about everything. Maybe it’s my compartmentalized way of seeing things that led me to think/act rashly. I kept on falling into traps or walking into them.
Anyway, I’m no longer going to rationalize my actions. I acted badly at one point, period, and I am more than ashamed. Really. I thought I was doing A-OK. And I was wrong.
It’s back to the drawing board, and I am hopeful. I’m hopeful that I can go about my life with new lessons that will make me a better person. I’m hopeful that I can still be true to my word of doing all I can to be more patient, compassionate, and humble.
I shall take the following things to heart:
• The test of the pudding is in the eating.—This was said to me by my shrink. It’s time to put everything I’ve learned into application. With all that I’ve learned, I must make sure to avoid falling into the dreaded traps.
• Always take that better alternative God offers because you can (Note to Self: Find this verse). Be strong enough to say you can and do what has to be done: walk away.--- It’s not easy to do this, but it is possible. The enemy can use even the seemingly insignificant situations to make a person sin, so it’s best to always avoid these circumstances. Don’t fan the flames—even when there are others who are doing this. It may seem harmless, yes, but you can never be too sure.
• It’s okay to be angry.--- Righteous anger is a person’s protection. It shows the other person that you respect yourself and you feel slighted. If you’re angry, let the other person know. It’s for the benefit of the both of you. Don’t be passive. However, there’s a difference between being righteously angry and going all out guns and missiles when in a confrontation. Anger need not be damaging or malicious.
• See the good in everyone.--- The funny thing is, I strongly believe in seeing the good in everyone, but I am also quick to point out the not-so-good things. This is a challenge I am taking for myself. I have to learn to accept people regardless of their misgivings. After all, there are people out there who accept me, warts and all. Most importantly, I shall remember that God more than accepts us, no matter how horrible we can get at times.
• Saying sorry is very important.---Being right doesn’t matter so much as saying you are sincerely sorry. Being right doesn’t give one a reason to not apologize for a mistake done to the other person---even if he or she is “wrong.” If you think you’ve behaved in a callous way, apologize. This won’t make you less of a person. It also doesn’t equate to that other person “winning.” “Winning” or “losing” is irrelevant.
• Have an unoffendable heart.—There will always be times people will be offended by you regardless if you do anything or not. This doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat. This doesn’t mean that you don’t get to have a say. But instead of reacting violently and being prone to doing stuff that can be harmful, see past those things. Try your best to understand. This requires great love. Being understanding 24/7 seems so difficult, but that’s the whole point.
• Do not bear grudges. Forgive.--- I can’t believe I’m talking about forgiveness, when I haven’t forgiven some people who have hurt me in the past. It’s a process and I’m still working on this. But so far, what I realize to be true is this: Forgiveness is important because this is how a person grows without any bitterness. Not forgiving others gives us an excuse to blame, and there might come a time we become too blinded to see our own faults because we have created scapegoats out of others. This will just make life bleak, and we’ll just end up hurting ourselves and others. This will just make us put up walls, making us inaccessible to the good things that can fill us.
I’m very optimistic that things will get better. I don’t expect it to happen soon, but I believe that this is how things will play out.
This is all I can say for now. I’m going to keep on returning to this post, because at times, I forget.